No Way Back (Mia's Way, #1) Read online

  My breath catches. I stare at him.

  “Or anyone else. I don’t have to remind you how important it is for our family to stick together, do I?” he asks. Daddy appears pleasant and smiling, but I know his question is more of an order.

  Does he know I intend to talk to Dom tonight about who hurt me? He can’t possibly; only Ari does.

  “I’m trusting you to preserve the family name and business,” he adds. “People will be curious about your incident. I don’t want to have to clean up another misunderstanding with Keith Connor. I’ve been very proud of how you’ve handled the situation. Chris tells me that your therapy and community service have gone well.”

  Throat tightening, I nod. I love Ari, but Daddy is … Daddy. My resolve to talk to Dom flees as I gaze up at my father. Right now, he really does look proud of me. He has no idea about the abortion I want, no idea that it’s my fault Number Eight is hurt. He’d hate me if he knew those things. I’ve never seen this look on his face before, and I don’t want to do anything to screw it up.

  “Go on. Make a big entrance and show them how we Abbottt-Renous do business,” Daddy says.

  I nod again and turn away, leaving his office. In the dark hallway between office and lobby, I stop. The world threatens to smash me again. I’m sick to my stomach and confused where I’d been sure just a few minutes before. I can’t talk to Dom. Maybe those guys who hurt Number Eight were someone else. I mean, the newspaper article said only one rapist.

  Hands shaky, I reach for my phone and pull up Dom’s number. I hesitate then text him.

  I can’t talk tonight.

  I know he’ll be disappointed. But for once, I can almost believe Daddy loves me, in his own way. I try to convince myself of this as I walk down the hallway and rejoin Ari and Joseph in the foyer. Ari looks at me closely, and I force a smile.

  I step out of the house to the waiting car without a word to either of them. I freeze up, and Ari pushes me.

  It’s dark. I haven’t been out in the dark yet. I don’t like it. I want to go back inside. Any other concern fades as I see how scary the world is at night.

  Ari grabs my arm and pulls me to the car.

  “Ari – " I object, starting to panic.

  “You told Dom you’d meet him. You have to show up your daddy!” she reminds me.

  At the mention of Dom, I try to turn around.

  “Oh, that’s it. I’m going with you.” She yanks my arm. I stumble into her, and she pulls us both into the car.

  “Where’s my phone?” I demand, starting to panic. I struggle out of her arms and look wildly towards the house. “It’s dark, Ari! What if -”

  “Close the door, Fabio!”

  A second after the door closes, the car lurches forward, as if the driver has been given orders in advance not to let me back out. I slump, heart flying. Ari fishes around on the floor until she finds my evening purse and phone. She hands them to me.

  “Closes your eyes and breathe,” she instructs me. “Repeat your magic spell or whatever it is the shrink gave you.”

  I do as she says and imagine myself in the closet. My breathing becomes regular again, my heartbeat no longer erratic.

  “You can do this, Mia,” Ari says softly. “You must do this. You have to tell Dom everything. Then dance with him.”

  I stare at her, caught off guard by the idea of dancing. I can’t tell her I’m too cowardly to talk to Dom. I hope to have myself under control by the time we get to the hotel where the ball is being held.

  I don’t really. The closer we get, the more I think I fell under Daddy’s spell, like everyone else. He’s trusting me not to screw up. I don’t want to let him down. I don’t want to let Ari and Dom down. I have no idea what to do again.

  We arrive. Ari hugs me and straightens my hair. Fabio opens the door, and I climb out. If the dark freaks me out, the sight of all the men and women in blue eases my mind somewhat.

  “Ms. Mia?”

  The voice comes from a familiar face.

  “Captain Yaeger. We met at the court house.” The older man extends an arm gallantly. “We wanted to make sure you had a proper escort in.”

  I smile nervously. I’m clutching my evening purse to my chest and force myself to lower it. Flashbulbs go off. Captain Yaeger stops for the reporters to take their pictures then walks me into the hotel’s glittery, teeming lobby.

  “Is my father close?” I ask. I’m getting anxious already.

  “I’ll take you to him. You don’t mind if this old man walks slow, so all the young guys see me with a beautiful woman on my arm?”

  I look at him and smile. He’s close to sixty with sharp eyes and dozens of medals on his formal uniform. In my four-inch heels, I’m almost his height.

  “That sounds great,” I say. “I’ve never been to one of these.”

  “In the thirty years I’ve been going to these, they’ve never gotten any more interesting.”

  I decide I like him. I can’t remember what I thought of him when we first met; I wasn’t in the mindset to like anyone, though. I want to ask about Dom then reconsider. Ari all but tackled me to get me into the car, and I’m not sure I’m presentable after that.

  “We never thanked you for recognizing our officers in your speech,” Captain Yaeger says. He leads me to a grand staircase. We walk up it slowly. The entire first floor of the hotel is crowded.

  “It was the least I could do,” I say earnestly. “They saved my life.”

  “Their job is a thankless one, especially at the junior levels. People hate you for writing tickets or breaking up parties.”

  “I can imagine. I’m just happy Daddy recognized them.”

  “You remember the DA Tenet?” he indicates a man in a suit as we reach the top of the stairs. “The men with him are local city and county council members and various civilian members of the departments.”

  I tense, not trusting the man who tricked me once already. The DA nods his head but doesn’t approach. I don’t recognize any of the men in suits, but I do try to avoid politics of any kind. Captain Yaeger leads me into a crowded ballroom. I look around, overwhelmed by the amount of people and the fact I know no one. I don’t even see Daddy.

  “Let’s see,” Captain Yaeger stops and looks around. “Your father should be …” He turns around slowly, eyes on the crowd.

  I’m looking, too, and disappointed about not seeing Daddy. Or Dom. Or some familiar face. Captain Yaeger turns, taking me with him. We turn towards the doors again, and I freeze. I can’t breathe, can’t move.

  Standing in the doorway is none other than Robert Connor. Robert Connor, who was supposed to be in Florida. Robert Connor, who destroyed my life. Robert Connor, who’s wearing that cocky smile he does in the newspapers as he talks to a cop.

  At least, he’s smiling, until he sees me. Then he stops. The smile is gone, along with the color in his face. He doesn’t move for a very long minute. When he does, he’s striding away quickly, running a hand through his hair.

  I close my eyes. This is one of my nightmares, nothing else. He’s not real. He can’t hurt me. This is just a dream. The sounds of people around me warble, and I no longer feel Captain Yaeger’s arm. I’m starting to wake up. My chest is so tight, it hurts.

  “Mia.” Dom’s husky voice. Even in a nightmare, he’s there to help me.

  His warm touch on my arm is too real. I open my eyes, expecting to be in my closet.

  This isn’t a dream.

  “You’re safe, okay?” He’s standing directly before me, dressed in his formal uniform, clean-shaven and smelling of earthy cologne. His dark eyes carry an edge in them I haven’t seen before, and he’s tense.

  I’m surprised I’m still on my feet. I’m not sure I saw what I saw, but Dom is there. I’m surrounded by cops. Robert can’t get to me here. I’m afraid but don’t need to be.

  “Come with me?”

  I nod. I want out of there. He moves away. I cross my arms and follow. My heart is definitely going to explode soon
from beating so fast, and my head is spinning. I can barely focus, and direct all my energy on not losing him in the crowd. Another thought enters my shocked mind.

  I did it, I think. I faced him and didn’t pass out. I’m not a helpless pile on the floor, and this alone astonishes me. Dr. Thompkins said I’d be stronger than I thought. Though, if I don’t get out of here soon, I’m gonna run out screaming or pass out.

  Dom leads us away from the crowds and through a ballroom with fewer people. Two cops stand as if on guard in front of a set of French doors. They open them for Dom and me, and we step onto the balcony beyond.

  It’s dark. I’m not sure I care. I don’t realize I’m burning up until I lean against the railing and hear how hard I’m breathing. The cool breeze feels so good on my face. It takes me a few minutes to catch my breath.

  “You set me up,” I accuse him at last. “I should say, you set me up again.”

  Dom is quiet. I face him, shaking. He moves to stand beside me, leaning his hip against the railing and gaze somewhere beyond the balcony. His arms are crossed.

  “I did,” he admits.

  “You said you’d be straight with me.”

  “Well, Mia, you backed out,” he replies. “I’m stuck. I’ve got a job to do. You said you’d talk then changed your mind.”

  His words crush me. I know he’s right. I hate how weak I am.

  “They’ve hurt eight girls. The one in the hospital might not make it. Maybe that doesn’t matter to you, but it does to me.”

  “How could you say that, Dom!” Fury replaces my fear. “You really think I don’t think about her all day long? I haven’t stopped praying for her since I found out what happened.”

  “Praying isn’t gonna put the people who did this to her and you in jail.” Dom’s voice is much calmer than my own, but I can hear his frustration.

  I push myself away from the railing and start towards the doors. I’m no better than Robert Connor – both of us destroyed the life of Number Eight. I pause to face Dom, saying,

  “The next time you want to talk to me, go through my lawyer.”

  “Mia …” Dom catches my arm and moves to face me. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Mia. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “No, you’re not. You said yourself you’re doing your job!” I meet his gaze defiantly.

  There’s compassion in his dark eyes, and I remember too well he’s doing this because he doesn’t want anyone else to get hurt. Because he’s a better person than I am. My anger disappears as he holds my gaze, replaced by the sorrow of knowing I just can’t do it.

  His touch on my arm is warm and light. This moment is more real than anything else I’ve been through this summer. A few minutes in silence, and I’m calm again. I don’t know how he affects me like he does. We’re standing so close, Dom’s body heat is all that keeps me from shivering.

  “They know now you can identify him.” His voice is soft. “They’re gonna force you to come in.”

  “Talk to my lawyer, Dom,” I reply with effort.

  “You really want that? For me to talk to your lawyer instead of you?”

  “Isn’t that what I said?”

  “I heard you. But is that what you really want?”

  I’m not sure how he sees through me, and I definitely don’t know what to do about it. Just when I think I’ve made up my mind, I plunge again into uncertainty. I want so bad to walk away from him, for him to deal with Chris and never talk to me again. Dealing with Dom is too confusing. He makes me feel safe – and guilty. I wasn’t ready to give him up in the interview room; I’m still not ready. I hate myself for admiring him, for caring what he thinks about me.

  “You don’t understand,” I manage.

  “I’m listening.”

  I don’t know what to say. How do I tell him I’m a coward? He knows by now. Why he doesn’t blame me for Number Eight is beyond me.

  “You faced him, Mia,” Dom says when I’m silent. “You didn’t run away. He did.”

  “I doubt that’s why you brought him here- to show me he’d run.”

  “We set you up. But that doesn’t take away from the fact you faced the man who raped you,” he replies. “You’re stronger than you think.”

  I wipe my cheeks free of tears. His words make me nauseous. He’s like Ari; he believes in me. They should know better by now. I hate that I have to convince him I am the fuck-up my family believes me to be. I have to choose a side, and I’m too cowardly to pick the one he and Ari want me to.

  “Talk to me.” Dom’s voice is softer.

  “I can’t trust you,” I reply in a hoarse voice. “I can’t. I’ve been used or ignored or hushed up or hidden away my whole life because I’m not the person everyone else wants me to be. Like my daddy, like my mother, like my siblings - you wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t benefit your career somehow. You’re no different than they are, Dom. That hurts so much, because I want to trust you.”

  “Mia –”

  “And you’re completely wrong. I’m not strong. I’m a coward. I can’t do what you want me to, so stop trying to make me.” Shaking, I force myself to move away from his soothing touch and presence. “If you want me to go to court, talk to my lawyer. If you want to talk to me, even knowing I’m a fucking coward, you have my number.”

  As I leave the balcony, I know I’ll never see or hear from him again. I may have seen Robert Connor tonight, but it’s admitting the truth to Dom that leaves me so upset, I’m sick. I don’t know where I’m going. If I run into Robert Connor again, I don’t think I’ll notice him.

  I find my way to the ladies room and throw up. Somehow, I manage not to get anything on my dress. I clean up and stare at myself in the mirror, not recognizing the pretty woman in the pretty dress with the eyes that look so sad.

  I keep hoping this summer all goes away. Staring at my reflection, I can’t help finally admitting Dr. Thompkins is right about something. There is no reset button. There’s no happy ending. I won’t just wake up and be better one day. There’s no painkiller that can take away this kind of pain. I’m not even sure what hurts. It’s not physical. It’s … memories. Truth. Helplessness. Facing myself in the mirror of the women’s restroom and wishing I’d died the night I got raped.

  But I didn’t die. I don’t understand why not.

  With a deep breath, I decide to pretend like I’m Molly for the night. I can make it through a few more hours then go to my closet. At least there, I’ve got some peace.

  I leave the bathroom and wander until I eventually find Daddy. I can’t bring myself to mingle, so I become his shadow and shake the hands of those he tells me to.

  The rest of the night passes fast. I manage not to embarrass him when he introduces me to a bunch of men in suits. I wonder if this is what it’s like to be Molly, if she’s numb all the time, too. I don’t know how she can live like this. As the night progresses, I realize how right she is. I’m not cut out for this type of life.

  I don’t see Robert or Dom again, and I ignore the DA when our paths cross. I listen to Daddy give a speech and stand beside him like the decoration I am. He talks about me and how he owes a debt of gratitude to those who saved me. He says a lot of pretty things; he always does.

  Not to me, of course. I’m like the couch in the formal living area, not worthy of more than an occasional glance to make sure it’s still there.

  We do an official photo shoot with the highest ranking members of the police departments, state and federal law enforcement officials and some politicians. I barely register the flashing cameras. I can’t be here mentally, because I know I’ll freak out.

  So I stay numb until I get into the car to leave just before midnight. Then, I curl up in the backseat and sob. This time, it’s Fabio who carries me out of the car to my room. He leaves me on the bed. I stagger into my closet, turn on the light, and cry myself to sleep.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The next morning, I show up on time for my service in the women’s center.
I go straight to my cubical and start typing. It’s the Friday before school starts. I’m exhausted. My dreams were more vivid than before last night, and I keep going over the conversation with Dom.

  It hurts so bad. I don’t know why.

  I zone out as I type in forms into the computer. The first break I take at work, I Google the latest rape victim. I’m hoping she gets better. Maybe she can identify the people who hurt us, so I don’t have to. Thinking such a thought makes me feel guiltier than I already do. There’s no update to her status this morning in the papers. Palms sweaty, I search for Robert Connor again. I thought he was supposed to be gone already, and I’m praying he didn’t change his mind and decide to stay in town.

  He didn’t. I reread an article I saw the other day. He’s in and out of town until this weekend, when the season starts. I’m not sure how I missed that before. My phone vibrates in my palm.

  Are you ignoring me? Ari’s texted a dozen times already.

  Finally, I answer her and tell her I’m at my community service. She sends me links to articles about the police ball. I open one and gaze at the official picture. Me and Daddy, a bunch of men in suits, and a few high ranking police officers.

  I’m gazing at the camera, not smiling. My gaze is haunted, but I look beautiful. I have my mother’s firm chin, small nose and chiseled cheekbones. My skin isn’t porcelain like Molly’s, and I’m not perfectly slender like she is. I have golden skin and an hourglass shape, and it makes my blue eyes stand out. I don’t have Molly’s prissy beauty; I have Mom’s earthy beauty. When did I turn into that? I look like the blond version of my beautiful mother.

  You look awwwwwwwwesome! Ari texts.

  I smile. I do look good. I also look … sad, like I’ve lost something I can’t replace.

  “Mia, are you staying for the one o’clock?” Gianna calls as she passes through the office area.

  “Yeah,” I say grudgingly.

  “Great!” She smiles and continues towards the medical area.

  I text Ari for a bit, do some more forms then prepare myself for the one o’clock group counseling session. Dr. Thompkins will be waiting for me when I get home. I almost don’t want to go to this group thing, but I want to ask the other girls something I can’t ask anyone else.